Comedy Page

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED! HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER."

A little marriage humor

  You have two choices in life:

  You can stay single and be miserable,

  or get married and wish you were dead.

  *********************************

  At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

  "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

  "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

  *************************************

  A lady inserted an ad in the classified:

  "Husband Wanted"

  Next day she received a hundred letters.

  They all said the same thing:

  "You can have mine."

  *************************************

  When a woman steals your husband,

  there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

  ***************************************

  A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

   ********************************************

  A little boy asked his father,

  "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

  Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

  ***********************************

  A young son asked,

  "Is it true, Dad that in some parts of Africa

  a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

  Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

  *******************************************

  Then there was a woman who said,

  "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

  and by then, it was too late."

  *******************************

  Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

  ************************************

  If you want your spouse to listen and

  pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

  ************************************

  Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking  they had no faults at all.

  *******************************************

  First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

  Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

  ********************************************

  A Woman's Prayer

  Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for  Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

  ******************************

  AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A  blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

Top 17 Bumper Stickers

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called
...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America
...now speak English

TOP FIVE SMART-ASS ANSWERS

Smart-Ass Answer #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-Ass Answer #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-Ass Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-Ass Answer #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart-Ass Answer #1

The SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR "THE TEACHER "

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"

USED CARS

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his
evening rounds

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two
little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped
and asked them if they were stealing the car.

They said "Heavens no, we bought it." He said, "Then
why don't you drive it away".

Each of the women said "We can't drive".

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked
"Then why did you buy it?"

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here,
we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting."

BATHROOM CONVERSATION

   This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:

"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,

"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

THE GREAT TRUTHS ON LIFE

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's (or Grandma's) lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

CLINTON VIRUS

Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS

Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then

emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS

Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS

Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS

Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB,

then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS

Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS

Disks can no longer be inserted.

DISNEY VIRUS

Everything in your computer goes Goofy :).

PROZAC VIRUS

Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't

care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS

Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS

Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE

BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS

Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,

then discards it through Windows.

GOOD MANNERS

      During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

      Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how

      would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

      Just a minute, I have to go piss.

      That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say

      it?

      I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.

      That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at

      the table.

      And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us

      your good manners?

      I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment.  I have to

      shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to

      meet after supper.

A DRUNKS ALARM CLOCK

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. Picking up the mallet, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

"Surely I can't look that old?"

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face 'was way too old to havem been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Wolverine."
he gleamed with pride.   "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1962. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

Ring-a-ding-ding...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Sarah
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Sarah told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex, would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even nothing too strenuous; simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

ENJOY SOME BLONDE JOKES!

Joke

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?

Joke

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

Title

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Joke

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Joke

A man entered the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blond.

The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Joke

A young blonde girl came back from school one evening. She ran to her mom and said, "Mommy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! That's good innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."

Next day, the girl came back from school and said, "Mommy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blonde."

Next day, she returned from school and cried, "Mommy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"

She flashed her impressive 36-D's at her mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work of scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and sure enough, he jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and also jumped to his death.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I had known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I would not have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

Joke

Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting, "51 days." After a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past three hours you've been sitting here chanting '51 days'. Why?"

"Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle."

"So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked.

"Well the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in just 51 days!"

Joke

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays, "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays, "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself, "Sweetheart, work with Me on this, buy a ticket."

Joke

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

I have kidnapped your child. Leave ,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, the Blonde.

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the ,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note:

Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

Joke

A blind man walks into a bar and after a couple of drinks yells out, "Who wants to hear a blonde joke?"

The place goes dead silent. After a few minutes a husky female voice on his left says, "Before you tell that joke you might want to know that the bartender is a blonde. The bouncer's a blonde. I'm a six-foot, two-inch blonde with a black belt in karate. The woman on your right is blonde and she's a professional weight lifter, and the woman next to her is a blonde professional wrestler. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a moment and says, "Naw! Not if I have to explain it five times."

Joke

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blonde joke e-mails we've been receiving."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the .00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

I did not do it in a car

I did not do it in a bar

I did not do it in the dark

I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date

I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance

I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base

I did not do it in her face

I never did it in a bed

If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan

I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain

I never boinked Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip

I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly

With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher

I chased her 'round, but could not catch her

No kinky stuff, not on your life

I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes

Was paid for by my right-wing foes

And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers

Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie

I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November

But if I did, I don't remember

I did not do it in the hall

I could have, but I don't recall

I never did it in my study

I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat

I might have-once-with Arafat

I never did it in a hurry

I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington

There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel

And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd

At least, not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed

They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with a cigar

I never dated Mrs. Starr

I did not know this little sin

Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me

I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech

Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail

But never, never did I inhale.

Stupid Warning Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

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