This really is one extremely smokingwebsite!

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."- Johnny Carson

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday...."

QUOTE OF THE DAY

With hurricanes, earthquakes, fires out of control, mud slides, tornados, floods and severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another; and with the threat of bird flu and terrorists attacks....

"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" - JAY LENO

The Ohio State

Play the Office Space Game Here! Play a Game of Cornhole Here!  Want to play some Golf? PLAY MINI GOLF Hydro Foam Mouse Game (Turn the Volume Up) This is Pretty Neat - So Check it out! Do you want to throw some Paper Wads? Computer Programmer or Serial Killer? What Does the Back of a Smiley Face Look Like? Michael Jackson Trial Testimony Some Turkey Karaoke (Turn the Volume Up) Want to Carve a Pumpkin? Click here for some Bush Entertainment    Enjoy a few of my personal favorite quotes! "I do not know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone."  Bill Cosby   "Memory Feeds Imagination"  Amy Tan   "One today is worth two tomorrows."  Benjamin Franklin   "Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems."  Rene Descartes   "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."  Albert Einstein   "Lack of will power has caused more failure than lack of intelligence or ability." Flower A. Newhouse   "You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do." Henry Ford   "A tree doesn't fall far from the nuts." George W. Bush Impersonator - Steve Bridges - www.stevebridges.com   Remember the 5 P’s for Success Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance     3 Thoughts      Zero Gravity  When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a de cade and billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.     The Russians used a pencil.     Your taxes are due again -- enjoy paying them.     Our Constitution    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.    Ten Commandments    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.    Being Honest I happened to pass a house with a little red light burning in front, in an alley way in back of the London Hilton, so I stepped inside to see what may be on offer. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." I decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." and found myself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, I went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found myself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, I entered the door marked "Once a night" and found myself back out on the street. The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed.

This is just a picture of the Cincinnati Skyline.  Your right, there is not a damn thing special about it.  So enjoy a few Ohio facts below.

• The Cincinnati Red Stockings became the first professional baseball team in 1869. 

• Akron was the first city to use police cars. 
  

• In Zanesville is the only Y-bridge in the world.  The bridge is built at the intersection of the Muskingum and Licking Rivers, one part built to the middle of the river and the others forking to the left and right. 
  

• The Pro Football Hall of Fame is located in Canton and in Cleveland is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 
  

• Clarence Crane in Cleveland invented Life Savers in 1912. 
  

• Cleveland is spelled differently than its founder’s name Moses Cleaveland.  In 1832, the editor of the Cleaveland Gazette newspaper dropped the first “a” to fit the title on one line.  The new spelling caught on. 
  

• In 1879, Cleveland became the first city to be lighted by electricity.  Cleveland also had the first traffic light in 1914. 
  

• Cincinnati had the first professional city fire department and the first ambulance service. 
  

• Ohio claims the first chewing gum in 1869, and the first hot dog in 1900.
   

• Ohio was the birthplace of many U.S. presidents, including Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, William Howard Taft, and Warren G. Harding.
  

• Oberlin College, founded in 1833, was the first college in the United States to admit women.
  

• Serpent Mound State Memorial, a famous earthen mound in the shape of a serpent, winds for a length of 411 m (1348 ft) near Peebles.

B rain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"-- Lee Iacocca
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"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD LAUGH!

Please follow the instructions below.....

1. Go to www.google.com

2. Type in the word: failure

3. Click Google Search

4. Make note of the very first website availiable for that entry - Interesting and True!

Another take on 'Tragedy'

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that
would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet
voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f'****ing accident either."

What Does 2000 Look Like?

Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear
very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances
at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her
skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread,
he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female
clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is
located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly
beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he
would.

 You Know You've Had Too Much Of The 90's When...

1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cellphone to see if anyone is home. 

                            WORK VERSUS JAIL

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make
things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

Have a nice day at Work!

DAMN CHECKING ACCOUNT

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem." the man says. "I just won million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

                 BLONDE WINS A MOTORHOME

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.  So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."  But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" 

And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads .
    
"W I N A B A G E L"

I don't think  being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only  things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the  United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment  Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things  like the  United  Caucasian  College Fund, Cloud  Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see  what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.  
 

Guns  do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill  someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from  driving to the ball game.  
 
I  believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are  no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING  MARTHA BURKE?  
 
I  think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is  an opinion.  
 
I  have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different,  weird, or tick me off.  
 
When  70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the  population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of  Probability.  
 
I  believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a  newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact,  if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!  
 
My  father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries  you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
 

I  think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry a-- if you  threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the  word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above  lines.